This is where I talk about my tormented elementary-school days. These are the days in which I wore, as the fiance calls them, coke-bottle glasses. These are the days in which I wished I was a boy, because boys didn't throw stagnant water on you at recess or tell you that you're not invited into their invisible club. One day I told a bunch of girls that boys were nicer since boys "get mad but get over it like 2 seconds later." I think I was met with a lot of girly looks, which sort of proved my point.
When I took the Meyer-Briggs test in high school, I was proud that I had the same personality as my dad. After we divided the test-taking group into "feelers" vs. "thinkers," I stood proudly with the guys while the girls stood across the room, arms around one another and crying. I took the test again in college. When I answered the questions honestly and discovered I was now a "feeler," I grabbed a Kleenex and excused myself.
Because of all the emotional scarring, I enter friendships cautiously. Once I decide to commit to the friendship, I'm committed. End of story. Let loyalty begin. When a friendship sours, though, I wonder if it was all my fault -- if I just wasn't a good friend -- and then I worry about my callousness. After a few offenses committed by the other party, I have little problems mentally throwing that person out of my club.
A close girl friend told me this today when I was pondering my hard heart: "It seems like you are letting go of a friend that has, by her actions, already let go of you."
So maybe it isn't always me, and I guess this is life from now on. Perimeter friends pick up and leave, and hopefully there will be others to take their place. At 23-going-on-24, I'm pretty confident that certain friendships now are solidified, since we've already changed together and survived my lack of correspondence.
It's also funny, too, that as I say good-bye to certain people in my life, I'm saying hello to a future in which I'm vowing to stick by a husband's side, whether we'll always feel like it or not. We won't have to worry about being kicked out of the other's club.
Thank you, life, for coming equipped with equilibrium.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Join the club
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3 comments:
You just put into words one of the very most wonderful parts of marriage.
And I had no idea how much it would change me (for the better!) to fully realize that kind of unconditional acceptance from another human.
Kinda makes you think God set it up on purpose to give us a glimpse at how He loves us, huh? :)
On another (and totally "feeler") note, I am happy that you are now in MY forever club, whether you wanted to be or not.
We's faaaimly, now, girlie!
Best part of marriage!
I never have had much luck with 'girl' friends, I've hung on to one for almost 16 years and my other 2 are built in, sister-in-laws.
I found you by way of Elise and am going to add you to my daily list of reads, looks like you are new at this too, I just started a few weeks ago blogging.
i just love this, amy. you must right a book.
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